Mothers Guilt and feeling blue...

Anouk is six months old and she is such a cutie.  Always smiling at her mum and dad and laughing at Mieke and Silke.  She has been sitting since 4 months but unfortunately refuses to roll.  She does it when I'm not looking so I know she can, but won't.  When I put her on her tummy she straightens her arms and gets into a crawling position but howls so loadly while doing it everyone rushes to pick her up.  Which is probably why she won't roll...

So since she was born I struggled to get her to sleep at night.  It took me hours and hours and hours.  I always knew my milk supply was low at night but because she slept through until four months I presumed that she did get enough milk.  And eventually I got really annoyed every night as I fed for hours but as soon as I put her down her eyes would open wide and I'd have to start again.  Then on Friday night I made her a little bottle of formula, only 125ml and sat down with her, expecting her to reject it the way she rejected the dummy.

Well she first chewed it a bit, but when she realized that the lovely warm milk comes out easily (and immediately) she caught on quickly and finished most of the bottle before having a little breastfeed for about 5 minutes and then went straight to sleep!

Same thing Saturday night, except this time she slept through until 6:00 am Sunday morning, had a breastfeed and then slept until 9:00am!

So either the formula contains sleeping potion or my poor little girl has been going to bed hungry since birth.  And she didn't wake up to annoy me but because she was hungry.  At least I don't believe in controlled crying and this is another reason why it's a daft idea.  Babies cry when something is wrong and if you don't respond to them they might stop crying because you're not coming.  But the cause of their crying is still there... how sad is that.  Imagine I left her to cry herself to sleep instead of just feeding her over and over again.

Otherwise I'm also feeling unexplicably sad for the past few weeks.  It defnitely has to do with the weather which is decidedly autumnly - rainy, cold and dark early.  Also I'm turning 40 next week and I don't have any friends or family here to celebrate it with.  Well I have 2 friends but not really a crowd.  And 40 is so ugh.  And I still feel (and sometimes act) like I'm about 11.  And we're not in a happy place financially.  And Mieke has been giving us a a hard time and I cannot face the fact that she's growing up and becoming a teenager.  And Silke's ashtma is flaring up.  And my baby took a bottle...

Of course we are very lucky to have what we do, and I am eternally thankful, but at the moment life sucks a little bit.  Where does the time go.  And where has my sweet little Mieke Muis gone...