Sunday, 16 May 2010

I eventually read 'EAT PRAY LOVE'... and its opened up some wounds

Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia

I've been meaning to read this book for ages since my friend Sannette recommended it.  But it was quite expensive and then I just forgot about it. 

When I ordered an Italian guide book for our holiday I found it online and ordered it as well to read on holiday.  Well it hasn't made it to holiday as I finished it in three days.  Which is why I normally avoid reading books as I cannot control myself and only read a few pages at a time - I have to finish it immediately even if it means locking myself in the bathroom for two hours while the water gets cold and the kids go hungry and wild.

About the book - I found EAT a bit underwhelming as I think she could've described the food and places better.  Its Italy after all.  The LOVE bit was also slightly uninspiring.  But the middle, the PRAY bit - that really got to me.  That was intense and inspiring.  And upsetting.

Because I don't know what to pray for.  Which means I am not getting anything, because I don't know what I want.  And now I am in limbo for an undefined period of time until I can decide what I want and then pray for that and go for IT.  I am the sole cause of my own unhappiness and I am frustrated that I don't know what to do to change it.

I am not happy here in the UK.  I cope, I am fine, I have friends, I enjoy being with my children every day and travelling with my family.  But my feet are always cold here and let's face it - true joy cannot be experienced with cold feet.  Or maybe its just me.  It can be experienced lying outside on the grass watching clouds, or swimming outdoors and feeling the water cool your hot skin and you see the sun shimmering on the water, or when waves crash around your ankles while the sun warms your shoulders, or just walking barefoot on tiles on a hot summers day.

But my joy might not be the rest of my family's joy.  And we cannot go back to my hearts desire, to my beloved birth country with the language I crave and thunderstorms and sunshine and open spaces. 

So do I pray to go to Australia because I want warm feet and sunshine?  Or do pray for a bigger house here and longer holidays in Italy so I can experience joy for three weeks of the year. 

Because this is not just about me, is it... But and until I decide what would be best for all of us our lives are in limbo, which is never a good place to be.

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