My baby girl is starting school tomorrow and my heart is aching

It feels terribly wrong to send her to school - to me she is just a bit more than a baby.  She still occasionally wets the bed, likes her 'pienk melkie' at night and still bursts into tears at the drop of a hat.

Who is going to cuddle her when she cries, who will protect her when the teacher ignores her, who will defend her when the kids annoy her.  Who will hover near the jungle gym to catch her just in case she falls and who will have her ashtma pump handy when she can't breathe?

Who will help her put on her socks the right way, who will remind her to wipe her bum and not to eat her peas with her hands?  Who will kiss it better when she gets hurt and cut her apple into pieces the way she likes it?

Not me anymore.... this mummy's heart is broken.  I will miss my little Silke Milke more than words can say.  I wish I could have just one more day.

Last Days and New Beginnings

I know I used this title on facebook (well if you didn't know now you do), but here are a few photos of my girls - Mieke's celebration day in her last few days of 3MG at Holy Trinity and Silke having fun and getting her 'Diploma' at preschool.   They are growing up so very quickly.

 

Silke who a week ago would not sit still for a second, is now colouring whole pictures inside the lines and actually using different colours!!  I was really worried about her not recognising some numbers and getting them mixed up (3 and 5) so I started Kumon and she is a star.  Does it every day and I discovered that even though she still mixes up 3 and 5 she has a really good pencil grip and is excellent at writing the numbers.  If she can remember what to write... but all in good time.  And so while many parents might think I'm nuts letting her do Kumon at age 4 at least I feel better that she is not the dufus I thought she was (sorry honey!!)

My girls' last ballet lessons for the year - Silke loves it but doesn't always do what she's supposed to and Mieke is still a bit shy and needs to gain some confidence.

We bought Silke's school uniform and she looks so BIG doesn't she?  But the uniform was removed promptly as apparently its 'uncomfortable'.  Hope it starts feeling comfy quite soon.

 

What a cutie - here's hoping her teacher finds her as irresistable as I do!!!

I don't like facebook anymore...

Cause I find out all the bad things which happen to friends of friends, or old friends from the past, which I would not have known about if it wasn't for facebook.

Ignorance really is bliss...

Luckily I have a four year old who always cheers me up.  She woke me up at 6am yesterday morning.  'Mummy I want a sheep.  I want to call him Baaaaaaab.'

Not today baby, not today - our garden is a little bit too small and we won't have enough grass for the sheep.

Some more Italy

It was only last month, but time got in the way and now it seems years ago...

After our 1,5 weeks at Il Tesoro, we packed up and drove 2 hours to Gabbice Monte, where we stayed at Hotel Posillipo.  This was a gorgeous surprise, on a hilltop, away from the action of the busy seaside resort of Gabicce Mare, a gorgeous hotel with amazing sea views from the room, restaurant, swimming pool...

The kids gave the sparkling pool one look and that was it - we spent the afternoon there annoying the adult guests who where looking longingly at the water but would rather endure the heat than take the plunge in the refreshing (i.e. chilly) pool.  Big Sissies I can say as I did take the plunge one day and swam with them and it was lovely.

We also spent a lot of time at the beach in Gabbice Mare - imagine playground, buckets and spades, umbrellas and sunbeds all on your stretch of beach - lovely!!  The kids spent hours hunting for clams and hermit crabs.  Breakfast at the hotel consisted of watermelon, kiwi, hot chocolate and cake (mostly) and on our little mountain was the best restaurant ever.  Imagine the most beautiful sea views while eating gnocchi with clams and prawns and drinking the local wine - yummy.  We should have spent more time here but it was really expensive staying in a hotel as we had to eat out the whole time, but it was magnificent.

Well that was our holiday in Italy, amazing but too long ago.  Where can we go next!!!

Otherwise I had I had a crappy Tuesday the 13th!!  It was Silke's sports day at pre-school and she didn't win a medal, which was a huge thing to her.  Only the biggest much older girl in her group won all the medals.  So my heart broke and my child cried and I crapped out the teachers.  Well sorry, I'm a mom I have to be protective of my little chick!!  But then I held my South African friend's newborn baby boy and it was so nice. 

And then when I fetched Mieke from a friend's house she told me that her teacher told her that she was so proud of her as she was doing so well!!  And she wrote the best piece ever about what she did yesterday at Fluffy Monday - so good in fact that her teacher showed it to the teacher who taught them on Fluffy about a certain artist and where he was from and the way he painted.  And she was also very impressed.  And Mieke got 3 stamps at school.  And that is one of the reasons why I love my blog because I can brag unashamedly!!!!

Ons vakansie in Le Marche, Italie

'Bongiurno, uno cuppachino decaffinato.'  Hier moes ons vinnig Italiaans leer want die locals verstaan nie 'n woord Engels nie.  Ek kon eintlik net sowel Afrikaans gepraat het.

Maar wonderskoon - selfs uit die vliegtuig se venstertjie net nadat ons geland het kon ek groene heuwels en bruin teeldak plaashuise sien - tipies Toskaans maar hierso seker Marchiaans?

Op pad na ons villa (genaamd Il Tesoro) kon ons sneeu op die Siblinni berge in die verte sien, en dis dieselfde uitsig wat ons elke dag op ons stoep begroet het.  Ons moes eers wag vir die winkels om weer 16:30 oop te maak voor dat ons kon gaan kos koop, maar wat 'n plesier was dit nie.  Die kinders het elkeen 'n klein trolletjie gekry waarmee hulle in die gange rondgejaag het terwyl ons onself verstom oor die goedkoop wyn in 5 liter kanne en die mooiste groente en vrugte - rooier tamaties het ek nog nerens gesien nie.  En alles kom van Italie.

Terug by die huis het Mieke die swembad begroet terwyl ons 'n hout vuurtjie gemaak het vir die vleis wat die slagter vir ons gekies het - weet nie wat dit was nie maar te lekker.  Alles dinge wat miskien normaal was elke naweek in Suid Afrika maar wat nou 'n skaars treat is vir ons.

Elke oggend het ons vroeg die kronkel bergpaadjies aangedurf en die heuweldorpies besoek - Sarnano was veral pragtig en daar was 'n mark aan.  Ek het 'n romp en toppie vir my en rokkies vir die kinders gekoop alles vir 12 euros!!  Ons het pizza geeet vir middagete (5 euros vir 'n groot pizza) en gekyk hoe die italiaanse kinders se skool uitkom en hulle met bussies en scooters daar wegtrek vir middagete en siesta by die huis. 

Ons het ook groter stede soos Ascoli Piceno met sy blink travertine plein en die universiteitsdorp Macerate met sy interessante 'carriage museum' waar ons op 'n 'virtual carriage ride' kon gaan.

'n Gunsteling was ons tweede naaste dorpie Servigliano - die beste plek vir gelato en 'n duur glasie wyn in die aande terwyl die kinders in die plein speel.  Hier het ons Mieke haarkapper toe gesleep waar ek met handgebare beduie het hoeveel hare sy van my knorrige kind moes afsny.

Ons naaste dorpie was Santa Vittoria in Matenano en hier het ons twee keer by Hotel Farfense se kelder restaurant gaan eet.  Die eienaar is vreeslik vriendelik en groet ons elke keer met die hand.  Dit was die eerste keer 'n stryd om kos te bestel want alles is in Italiaans en hy kon nie 'n woord Engels verstaan nie, maar gelukkig het ons 'n boekie gehad wat ons baie gehelp het.  En die feit dat hy verstaan het dat Mieke wil plain spaghetti he - mens noem dit spaghetti bianco - white spaghetti.  Die plekkie is vreemd - een oomblik doodstil en die volgende gepak met italianers.  Ek het een aand die haas probeer tot Mieke se onsteltenis en dit was nogal heel lekker!!  Die wyn was oral in Italie 5 euros vir 'n halfliter in restaurante wat baie redelik is - ons het baie liters geniet!

Ongelukkig is dit nou slaaptyd - sal more weer verder vertel!!! 

I eventually read 'EAT PRAY LOVE'... and its opened up some wounds

Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia

I've been meaning to read this book for ages since my friend Sannette recommended it.  But it was quite expensive and then I just forgot about it. 

When I ordered an Italian guide book for our holiday I found it online and ordered it as well to read on holiday.  Well it hasn't made it to holiday as I finished it in three days.  Which is why I normally avoid reading books as I cannot control myself and only read a few pages at a time - I have to finish it immediately even if it means locking myself in the bathroom for two hours while the water gets cold and the kids go hungry and wild.

About the book - I found EAT a bit underwhelming as I think she could've described the food and places better.  Its Italy after all.  The LOVE bit was also slightly uninspiring.  But the middle, the PRAY bit - that really got to me.  That was intense and inspiring.  And upsetting.

Because I don't know what to pray for.  Which means I am not getting anything, because I don't know what I want.  And now I am in limbo for an undefined period of time until I can decide what I want and then pray for that and go for IT.  I am the sole cause of my own unhappiness and I am frustrated that I don't know what to do to change it.

I am not happy here in the UK.  I cope, I am fine, I have friends, I enjoy being with my children every day and travelling with my family.  But my feet are always cold here and let's face it - true joy cannot be experienced with cold feet.  Or maybe its just me.  It can be experienced lying outside on the grass watching clouds, or swimming outdoors and feeling the water cool your hot skin and you see the sun shimmering on the water, or when waves crash around your ankles while the sun warms your shoulders, or just walking barefoot on tiles on a hot summers day.

But my joy might not be the rest of my family's joy.  And we cannot go back to my hearts desire, to my beloved birth country with the language I crave and thunderstorms and sunshine and open spaces. 

So do I pray to go to Australia because I want warm feet and sunshine?  Or do pray for a bigger house here and longer holidays in Italy so I can experience joy for three weeks of the year. 

Because this is not just about me, is it... But and until I decide what would be best for all of us our lives are in limbo, which is never a good place to be.

Na 3 jaar, 4 maande and 17 dae - wat mis ek nog....

Wou natuurlik eers in Engels geskryf het.  Maar het myself belowe om elke tweede keer Afrikaans te skryf want netnou vergeet ek hoe.

Vanaand is ek weer melancholies.  Miskien omdat 'n vulkaan in Ysland 'n groot wolk as uitgespoeg het en niks vliegtuie in Europa kan rondvlieg nie, miskien omdat dit warmer is en ons kon braai en Afrikaanse musiek luister, miskien omdat my baba onlangs verjaar het en vier geword het.  Wie weet...

Want toe wonder ek as vliegtuie nie bestaan het nie en almal net moes bly het waar hulle gebore is, in hulle tuisland, en net hulle bes moes probeer het om dit te laat werk want daar was geen ander opsie nie, wat dan?  Sou dit dalk nie beter gewees het nie.  Miskien nie.

En alhoewel dinge nou al makliker is vir my hierso, is daar steeds dinge wat ek mis, en dinge wat ek nie juis mis nie maar as ek daaraan dink dat dit nie meer daar is nie raak ek nog hartseer.

So wat mis ek nog na drie jaar (en vier maande en seventien dae):

1.  Ek mis huise so groot soos sale.  Wat weergalm as jy inloop.  Met 2 sitkamers en 'n dubbelgarage en 'n kombuis met 'n aparte opwaskamer.  Met 'n tuin waarin jy kan verdwaal en 'n swembad.  Die tipe huis waarin die meeste mense wat ek ken in Suid Afrika bly.  Want in so huis kan jy maar nog 'n speelding of wit olifant inbring en daar sal 'n plekkie vir hom wees.  Want hier wil ek nie eens klere koop nie want waar op aarde gaan ek dit bere.  En as ek vir my kinders verjaarsdagpersente koop is dit altyd 'n groot penarie want daar is nerens om dit weg te steek voor die groot dag nie.  Behalwe in die kar se kattebak.  So 'n Suid Afrikaanse huis is my hartsbegeerte, my nommer een verlange.

2.  Ek mis my mense.  Jammer die moes seker nommer een gewees het.  My vriendinne met wie ek op die stoep kon kuier terwyl die kinders swem terwyl ons bekers koffie of glase wyn drink, afhangend van of iemand swanger is of nie.  Om Afrikaans te praat en my siel te ontbloot op 'n daaglikse basis, hetsy met my baas by die werk of my vriendin by haar huis, want mens kan dit maar doen in Afrikaans, maak nie saak nie, as dit jou pla, le jou hart oop.  Hierso krop ek op by die huis en ontbloot op verkeerde tye met verkeerde mense want ek moet tog net die sake van my hart af kry en dit voel afhoewel ek praat en praat of dit steeds in my krop sit.

3. Die weer.  Of liewers die gebrek aan sonskyn.  Die winter hierso in Engeland is 'n sware storie, dis koud en dis grys.  En as dit nie koud en grys is nie is dit koud en donker.  En al wat daar te doen is is om jouself baie dik aan te trek, skool toe en terug te ry en die res van die tyd in jou huis te sit en koud kry.  Behalwe vir die drie keer 'n dag wat jy 'n warm bad vat wat gelukkig heel moontlik is hier met gas wat die water warm maak.  En moenie eers praat van as dit sneeu nie - dis in 'n klas van sy eie.  Ek wil liewer nie oor die weer praat nie.  Behalwe dat dit nou lente is en ek skoon verbaas is oor hoe baie dinge mens kan doen as jy nie in die huis sit nie.  Parkie toe gaan, fiets ry, tuine besoek, gaan  stap, piekniek hou, kastele besoek, dieretuin toe gaan - die moontlikhede is legio.  Vandag was dit 18 grade buite, ek en Silke ry in die kar toe vra sy my hoekom is haar gesig nat, ek se toe vir haar dis omdat sy sweet van warm kry.  Die arme kind is skoon verstom en weet nie eens van sweet nie?  Die ander vraag is hoekom sy so warm kry terwyl dit nog so koud is!!!

Behalwe vir die drie dinge kan ek seker nie kla nie.  Mieke is in 'n wonderlike skool, die gesondheisdienste is uitstekend, dinge is goedkoop, ek het lekker vriende en bure.  En normaalweg is ek sekerlik gelukkig.  Behalwe op 'n sonskyndag wanneer 'n vulkaan in Ysland wolke uitspoeg en my baba haar vierde verjaarsdag gevier het.