Mothers Guilt and feeling blue...

Anouk is six months old and she is such a cutie.  Always smiling at her mum and dad and laughing at Mieke and Silke.  She has been sitting since 4 months but unfortunately refuses to roll.  She does it when I'm not looking so I know she can, but won't.  When I put her on her tummy she straightens her arms and gets into a crawling position but howls so loadly while doing it everyone rushes to pick her up.  Which is probably why she won't roll...

So since she was born I struggled to get her to sleep at night.  It took me hours and hours and hours.  I always knew my milk supply was low at night but because she slept through until four months I presumed that she did get enough milk.  And eventually I got really annoyed every night as I fed for hours but as soon as I put her down her eyes would open wide and I'd have to start again.  Then on Friday night I made her a little bottle of formula, only 125ml and sat down with her, expecting her to reject it the way she rejected the dummy.

Well she first chewed it a bit, but when she realized that the lovely warm milk comes out easily (and immediately) she caught on quickly and finished most of the bottle before having a little breastfeed for about 5 minutes and then went straight to sleep!

Same thing Saturday night, except this time she slept through until 6:00 am Sunday morning, had a breastfeed and then slept until 9:00am!

So either the formula contains sleeping potion or my poor little girl has been going to bed hungry since birth.  And she didn't wake up to annoy me but because she was hungry.  At least I don't believe in controlled crying and this is another reason why it's a daft idea.  Babies cry when something is wrong and if you don't respond to them they might stop crying because you're not coming.  But the cause of their crying is still there... how sad is that.  Imagine I left her to cry herself to sleep instead of just feeding her over and over again.

Otherwise I'm also feeling unexplicably sad for the past few weeks.  It defnitely has to do with the weather which is decidedly autumnly - rainy, cold and dark early.  Also I'm turning 40 next week and I don't have any friends or family here to celebrate it with.  Well I have 2 friends but not really a crowd.  And 40 is so ugh.  And I still feel (and sometimes act) like I'm about 11.  And we're not in a happy place financially.  And Mieke has been giving us a a hard time and I cannot face the fact that she's growing up and becoming a teenager.  And Silke's ashtma is flaring up.  And my baby took a bottle...

Of course we are very lucky to have what we do, and I am eternally thankful, but at the moment life sucks a little bit.  Where does the time go.  And where has my sweet little Mieke Muis gone...

Happy average 40th Birthday Werner & why things aren't getting done

On Tuesday it was Werner's 40th birthday and it is at times like these that we feel the pain of being away from friends and family.  Because instead of a Big Bash somewhere it was a quiet dinner at home with his 4 girls.  We did have champagne though!

Was also tricky with Anouk but I managed to make risotto, salmon and apple pie and Mieke made a chocolate cake all by herself.

He was impressed with his Nespresso coffee machine (although I'm enjoying it even more than him, especially with the milk frother thingy) and the fact that I had the pen he chose engraved with his name.

I also got him some helium balloons which was a feat in itself with Anouk and the pram and the balloons nearly flying away!

We will be spending Easter weekend at the Marriot but really how much fun can it be with three kids and one of them attached to my boob half the time?  Anyway we will try and celebrate and be cheerful.  But I must admit this baby lark seems really very hard this time around.

Of course I'm not working this time, which means I never get a break because I haven't introduced Anouk to a bottle as I'm dreadfully lazy at expressing and would like to avoid formula this time.  So it's all my own doing but bugger it's really hard!!  I'm sure my other babies were easier, or maybe one forgets.  What really gets to me is the hours and hours I spend upstairs every evening trying to get her to sleep.  Last night I sat there for an hour when suddenly she lifted her head up and SMILED!  Wide awake. So I took her downstairs and had my soup with her in the bumbo next to me and tried again at 10pm which is really far too late.

Today I'm feeling very frustrated as I cannot go out of her sight before she starts crying.  Werner tried to get her to sleep tonight but she just cried until I came. She is really very cute and we all adore her but WOW she's hard work!!  Which is why the dishwasher is half unpacked, laundry is not folded, half a basket is still wet and the filing haven't been done since, well since we moved here...

But they are only babies for such a short time, I must remind myself to enjoy the cuddles, her soft hair, the way she gums my face and pulls my hair when feeding and that smile... that gorgeous smile makes it all worthwhile.