I eventually read 'EAT PRAY LOVE'... and its opened up some wounds

Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia

I've been meaning to read this book for ages since my friend Sannette recommended it.  But it was quite expensive and then I just forgot about it. 

When I ordered an Italian guide book for our holiday I found it online and ordered it as well to read on holiday.  Well it hasn't made it to holiday as I finished it in three days.  Which is why I normally avoid reading books as I cannot control myself and only read a few pages at a time - I have to finish it immediately even if it means locking myself in the bathroom for two hours while the water gets cold and the kids go hungry and wild.

About the book - I found EAT a bit underwhelming as I think she could've described the food and places better.  Its Italy after all.  The LOVE bit was also slightly uninspiring.  But the middle, the PRAY bit - that really got to me.  That was intense and inspiring.  And upsetting.

Because I don't know what to pray for.  Which means I am not getting anything, because I don't know what I want.  And now I am in limbo for an undefined period of time until I can decide what I want and then pray for that and go for IT.  I am the sole cause of my own unhappiness and I am frustrated that I don't know what to do to change it.

I am not happy here in the UK.  I cope, I am fine, I have friends, I enjoy being with my children every day and travelling with my family.  But my feet are always cold here and let's face it - true joy cannot be experienced with cold feet.  Or maybe its just me.  It can be experienced lying outside on the grass watching clouds, or swimming outdoors and feeling the water cool your hot skin and you see the sun shimmering on the water, or when waves crash around your ankles while the sun warms your shoulders, or just walking barefoot on tiles on a hot summers day.

But my joy might not be the rest of my family's joy.  And we cannot go back to my hearts desire, to my beloved birth country with the language I crave and thunderstorms and sunshine and open spaces. 

So do I pray to go to Australia because I want warm feet and sunshine?  Or do pray for a bigger house here and longer holidays in Italy so I can experience joy for three weeks of the year. 

Because this is not just about me, is it... But and until I decide what would be best for all of us our lives are in limbo, which is never a good place to be.

Na 3 jaar, 4 maande and 17 dae - wat mis ek nog....

Wou natuurlik eers in Engels geskryf het.  Maar het myself belowe om elke tweede keer Afrikaans te skryf want netnou vergeet ek hoe.

Vanaand is ek weer melancholies.  Miskien omdat 'n vulkaan in Ysland 'n groot wolk as uitgespoeg het en niks vliegtuie in Europa kan rondvlieg nie, miskien omdat dit warmer is en ons kon braai en Afrikaanse musiek luister, miskien omdat my baba onlangs verjaar het en vier geword het.  Wie weet...

Want toe wonder ek as vliegtuie nie bestaan het nie en almal net moes bly het waar hulle gebore is, in hulle tuisland, en net hulle bes moes probeer het om dit te laat werk want daar was geen ander opsie nie, wat dan?  Sou dit dalk nie beter gewees het nie.  Miskien nie.

En alhoewel dinge nou al makliker is vir my hierso, is daar steeds dinge wat ek mis, en dinge wat ek nie juis mis nie maar as ek daaraan dink dat dit nie meer daar is nie raak ek nog hartseer.

So wat mis ek nog na drie jaar (en vier maande en seventien dae):

1.  Ek mis huise so groot soos sale.  Wat weergalm as jy inloop.  Met 2 sitkamers en 'n dubbelgarage en 'n kombuis met 'n aparte opwaskamer.  Met 'n tuin waarin jy kan verdwaal en 'n swembad.  Die tipe huis waarin die meeste mense wat ek ken in Suid Afrika bly.  Want in so huis kan jy maar nog 'n speelding of wit olifant inbring en daar sal 'n plekkie vir hom wees.  Want hier wil ek nie eens klere koop nie want waar op aarde gaan ek dit bere.  En as ek vir my kinders verjaarsdagpersente koop is dit altyd 'n groot penarie want daar is nerens om dit weg te steek voor die groot dag nie.  Behalwe in die kar se kattebak.  So 'n Suid Afrikaanse huis is my hartsbegeerte, my nommer een verlange.

2.  Ek mis my mense.  Jammer die moes seker nommer een gewees het.  My vriendinne met wie ek op die stoep kon kuier terwyl die kinders swem terwyl ons bekers koffie of glase wyn drink, afhangend van of iemand swanger is of nie.  Om Afrikaans te praat en my siel te ontbloot op 'n daaglikse basis, hetsy met my baas by die werk of my vriendin by haar huis, want mens kan dit maar doen in Afrikaans, maak nie saak nie, as dit jou pla, le jou hart oop.  Hierso krop ek op by die huis en ontbloot op verkeerde tye met verkeerde mense want ek moet tog net die sake van my hart af kry en dit voel afhoewel ek praat en praat of dit steeds in my krop sit.

3. Die weer.  Of liewers die gebrek aan sonskyn.  Die winter hierso in Engeland is 'n sware storie, dis koud en dis grys.  En as dit nie koud en grys is nie is dit koud en donker.  En al wat daar te doen is is om jouself baie dik aan te trek, skool toe en terug te ry en die res van die tyd in jou huis te sit en koud kry.  Behalwe vir die drie keer 'n dag wat jy 'n warm bad vat wat gelukkig heel moontlik is hier met gas wat die water warm maak.  En moenie eers praat van as dit sneeu nie - dis in 'n klas van sy eie.  Ek wil liewer nie oor die weer praat nie.  Behalwe dat dit nou lente is en ek skoon verbaas is oor hoe baie dinge mens kan doen as jy nie in die huis sit nie.  Parkie toe gaan, fiets ry, tuine besoek, gaan  stap, piekniek hou, kastele besoek, dieretuin toe gaan - die moontlikhede is legio.  Vandag was dit 18 grade buite, ek en Silke ry in die kar toe vra sy my hoekom is haar gesig nat, ek se toe vir haar dis omdat sy sweet van warm kry.  Die arme kind is skoon verstom en weet nie eens van sweet nie?  Die ander vraag is hoekom sy so warm kry terwyl dit nog so koud is!!!

Behalwe vir die drie dinge kan ek seker nie kla nie.  Mieke is in 'n wonderlike skool, die gesondheisdienste is uitstekend, dinge is goedkoop, ek het lekker vriende en bure.  En normaalweg is ek sekerlik gelukkig.  Behalwe op 'n sonskyndag wanneer 'n vulkaan in Ysland wolke uitspoeg en my baba haar vierde verjaarsdag gevier het.

Spent some time in hospital...

With my little Silke, who gave me a huge fright on Tuesday.  She was 100% well on Monday, and then in the night climbed into our bed breathing a bit fast and she seemed to have a chest infection, so in the morning I took her to the dr, who sent her to the children's ward at the Royal Surrey Hospital, who saved her life...

As she had pneumonia, and was having an ashtma attack, and both me and the young stupid gp I took her to was too dumb to realize this.  The fear which gripped me when they told me that she needs to go onto a ventilator as she cannot breathe by herself...  The guilt I am still going through every day because I should have realized sooner.

But I prayed, and the doctors and nurses worked and pumped her veins and lungs with medicine and she amazingly WOKE UP!!  Luckily before they put her in a coma and onto a ventilator - the thought of which fills me with dread.  And 10 minutes after she woke up she stuck her tongue out at the doctor, and asked me to read her the same story I read before she fell asleep again and again.  And told me that she was so tired that she nearly went to sleep forever...

Please look after your children, be paranoid, watch them carefully, waste the doctors time - rather you do than you don't and its too late.

That night they came every hour to nebulise her and check on her when her oxygen levels dropped when she pulled the mask off in her sleep.  I have never experienced such care and attention.  About 4 different doctors also came to see her.  We had our own room and she had CBeebies and a dvd player which made the long days more bearable.  And the staff were sooo patient whether it was taking 15 minutes to talk her into taking her medicine or the physiotherapist playing phone with her for half an hour to listen to her chest in return. I will never forget waking early on the second morning listening to Silke chattering away to the nurse about rabbits and ducks while they were nebulising her.  When they took off her drips she immediately got up and started running around between the play room and her room and her new friend's brother's room.

She bounced back really quickly and it sometimes feels like it wasn't real, maybe just a bad dream.  But it wasn't and I will never forget it.

My not so latest hobby

I've sold my first cake!!  It came out beautiful though not perfect but much better than my previous efforts.

Let me show you my transition from total amateur to semi-amateur - this Mardi Gras cake was for Mieke's 7th birthday and my first effort as you can see!!!

Then came the fairy castle cake for Silke's 3rd Birthday - this was better and quite cute but still looks a bit wobbly.  The fairies I made from Femo clay so they weren't edible.

Then for Mieke's birthday I made the popcorn cake which was really simple and therefore a great success.

We had a halloween party as well so I made this cake, which the kids loved but still lacks the professional touch!  I'm also glad no one asked to eat the witch as it was made from icing mixed with denture cream!!!

My most recent and best effort - I think!!  Hope the birthday girl loved it too.

I still struggle a bit with putting the icing over the cake properly - its nerve wrecking as I can't get it too not wrinkle and tear and it still cracks a it.  But as soon as you start placing your decorations it looks better.  I learnt to make the roses and ribbon online and just used cutters for the rest.  Decorating this cake took about 4 hours.  Must say its my favourite so far and I can't wait for my next project!!  Which is Silke's cake for her 4th birthday.  No sure what its going to be yet but probably something similar to the above.

Otherwise things are looking up!!  Getting warmer - today at one point it was 16 C and the sun was shining and the people were smiling!  We are going to London this weekend to celebrate hubby's birthday one week early and staying over free at the Marrriot on his points he collects.  We are going a bit mad and I booked a movie, duck tours and sunday lunch.

On Sunday it was Mother's Day here in the UK and Mieke made me a lovely card in which Silke wrote her name beautifully (my baby girl is growing up!).  The also got me an orchid and some choccies and Werner cooked lunch with the help of M&S while if folded the laundry (well you can't have everything). 

Oh and Silke calls a dried apricot a paperclip or a papercut - whichever gets me to apricot faster.  This might be amusing if she wasn't going to school in September!  Oh yes she got into Pewley which I am very happy about but I don't know why as we might be moving to Australia.  What to do, what to do...

How the Rabbit got his Ears - A story by Mieke Nel

In the hottest, sandiest desert in the middle of the hottest part of Egypt there lived a rabbit and one day he was walking around Egypt when he bumped into a snake who was drinking by the lake.

The snake suddenly turned round in fright but behind him and rabbit was a stinky smelly, gooy pond of horrible quick sand.  Rabbit's head got pushed in the gooy, smelly, stinky quick sand.  The snake called for help, 'oh best beloved' because snake did not have any legs.

From the snake's hissing call a row of animals paraded to the snake.  Then when everyone started helping the pulled and pulled and pulled until rabbit's head came out of the quick sand.  Before rabbit felt unhappy because his ears were as short as a Boston terrier's but now they were as long as a poodle's tail.

Everyone cheered with delight so rabbit hopped away.  So from now on oh best beloved rabbits have long ears.

Its that time of the year again...

I haven't written in ages.  We were in South Africa for a month in December & January and when we came back it was snowing.  And freezing.  And I couldn't get the kids to school.  And we all got sick.  And misrable.  Which I still am at the end of February.  O yeah and bored.

Isn't it beautiful.  My heart aches... every day.

A little trip down memory lane with Mieke

Mieke is turning 8 next Monday.  Eight seems really big.  It feels like yesterday when she was my clever little baby and now she is 8 - how did that happen?

Here are some photos from the past 5 years.  Mieke still with long hair in South Africa before Silke was born.

My little spoilt princess in her room in Bali Ridge, our lovely house which I still long for.

In hospital with Granny and newborn sister Silke - she was such a proud big sister!

The photo below was taken at our last lunch at Moyo Restaurant in Zoo Lake - we loved that place (African face painting included) and in summer you are sprayed with a cool mist while enjoying cocktails at the bar.  Never mind that the service was extremely sssslllloooowwww - its Africa after all!

See my two little cherubs below - Mieke's hair is short because she and her best friend Mia practised their hair cutting technique on each other.  It grew back it no time but it actually looked really cute short.

Mieke loves swimming and did really well with her swimming lessons with Auntie Margalo (Margaret) at the gym.  She could swim very well at three and do lenghts in all different strokes at four years old.  But alas I cannot say the same about the swimming teachers here in the UK.  They stand outside the pool shouting instructions to the kids.  So even with the school taking them for swimming lessons every week she still used to swim better in South Africa when she was 3!! 

Before we left for the UK we visited our favourite places - the Drakensberg and Sanlameer.  We stayed for a weekend at the Cathedral Peak Hotel in the Drakensberg and had a great time.  Did a lot of walking and picnicking in the forest and swimming in their rock pool.  We even had a babysitter one evening which was a rare treat.  Silke was about six months old on this trip.  We also loved Sanlameer as always and after travelling the world I think its still one of my favourite places.

Mieke turned five in the October before we left for the UK.  We had a wondeful party for her at Kate's Cottage.  I think this was definitely her best party ever - sunshine, friends, jumping castle, slippy slide, lots of shiny balloons and a princess cake - what more could a girl want!

At her last Christmas play at the Cottage Montessori she was a fish - not sure which type of fish but she was a gorgeous little fish and did her dance perfectly.

We had a last Christmas with Ouma and Oupa in Betties Bay...

And then eventually - five year old Mieke's first day at school in the UK at Pewley Down Infant School in January 2006.

That face says only one thing:  WTF!!

...Am I doing here?

Where is my house?

Where is my room?

Where are my friends?

Where are my dog and cat?

Why is is so frigging cold here?

What do you mean I have to wear these scratchy clothes every day and go to school until 3pm!!

Well all is well that ends well!

Here she is starting her new school in Year 3 at Holy Trinity Junior School in September 2009.  She has come a long way and we are so proud of her!!

Eight years old, I can't believe it. And I am so incredibly proud of her, the way she adjusted to everything over the past nearly 3 years was amazing. Today I went to pick her up from school and there she was - playing hockey with avengeance. The smallest kid with 2 ponytails and an oversized mouthguard hurling herself unafraid into a throng of hockey sticks - I was very proud today.

And yesterday when she played a new piece on her violin, and when the teacher wrote she read her book beautifully and when she got two prizes last Friday at school and today when she made a forward roll on the beam in gymnastics. I am a very proud mom.

So let me take a moment and talk about Mieke and what she is about.

99 (or less) things about Mieke

Mieke is my firstborn my pride and joy.

When she was born her head was flat and her hip dislocated, but I knew in my heart that she was fine. So imagine my surprise when they sent a counsellor to see me about my baby's 'disability'.

Still, Mieke had to wear double cloth nappies for the first six weeks of her life - at first I was worried about having to wash these until I realized I could put the cloth nappies over the disposable ones.

When she was little she called a sweetie a footie.

She loved her milk when she was a baby and still does.

I breastfed Mieke for 18 months, she could speak sentences at 18 months. These things are unrelated as I'm still breastfeeding Silke at 3 and she is barely speaking sentences.

Mieke loves reading Horrid Henry books and Naughty Fairy books and some Roald Dahl. She reads very well for her age (well as her proud mum I think so).

Mieke is very proud of her South African heritage and tells everyone about it.

Most adults like Mieke as she is very well behaved. She is not always that well behaved at home though...

Since starting Year 3 at Holy Trinity, Mieke does Art, Violin, Hockey, Gymnastics, Kumon and Orchestra - she is very busy but loving it.

Mieke is good at art and very imaginative.

Mieke fights with Silke every day. But she also hugs and kisses Silke every day.

Mieke gets up each morning at 6:30 am to watch tv and sometimes to do her Kumon. She likes to see her dad in the morning before he goes to work and cries if he doesn't wake her up.

Mieke can walk for miles without complaining, wether in London or on holiday in Italy or Switzerland. As long as she gets an ice cream - she loves vanilla ice cream.

BAIE GELUK MET JOU 8STE VERJAARSDAG MIEKE!!!!

Ons is baie lief vir jou - jy is ons almal se NUMBER 1 - Soos Oupa altyd se.